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Dinner Conversation

So a comment I wrote sorta turned into a ficlet and somebody suggested I bring it out here for easier access.  I'm not a writer, so be nice, ok?  It's just a ridiculous little thing.  

No really, it's deeply silly.

Oh, and I think this can be considered mildly spoilery for Wilby Wonderful.  And BSG.  But, like, the mini.

This started with a discussion on an imaginary dinner with CKR characters, two posts down in my journal. Somebody thought that we should have some slash for dinner.  So at this dinner table we have Duck, Lew, Leoben, Mike, Newbie, Mamet and two fic versions of characters:  Fic Ray and Fic Billy.




Fic Ray and Duck are sitting side by side at the dinner table, chatting. "Personally, I find that there is no injury which cannot be ignored when you're in the mood. You work around it. Be creative. Do what he likes, get him goin' real good...before too long it's like 'what gunshot wound?'  But that’s me. ……You say the injury was confined to the neck area?"

Fic Billy meets Duck's eyes from across the table. Fic Billy grins. Duck offers a shy smile in return. Fic Ray notices and glares at Fic Billy. He stands up next to Duck. In one motion, he leans sharply across the table at Fic Billy and cocks his head. "Don't you have a goat sacrifice you need to get to?"

Fic Billy gives Fic Ray a lazy smile, looking up at him from under his eyelashes.  “No, thank you. I’m enjoying the party.” Fic Ray straightens up. He presses his lips together and looks down. Suddenly he turns to Duck and gives him a big smile. “As I was saying.” Fic Ray dives under the tablecloth in front of Duck. Duck shifts in his chair.  His expression changes from...well, it doesn't change at all, really. Lew grins and takes a huge gulp of whiskey.

Emotions flicker lightly over Mamet’s face, landing on a wan smile as his silverware tower begins to take shape. Fic Billy looks across the table at Duck. He smirks as he hears Fic Ray’s head bump once against the underside of the table. Duck's face starts to flush. Fic Billy looks away from the table at nothing at all.  His eyes cloud, lost in thought.  A small sound from Duck jerks his attention back to the table.  Fic Billy looks at Duck. Duck closes his eyes and lets his head fall back. Fic Billy scowls. He gets up and starts pacing around, rubbing the back of his neck.

Leoben senses his distress. He walks over to Fic Billy and leans in close to his ear. "All these blowjobs have happened before, and all of them will happen again." Fic Billy whips his head up and smiles, baring his teeth at Leoben. “Yeah?  Fuck you and the swirly vortex you rode in on.”  Billy picks up his chair and tosses it aside; it tumbles to a halt against the back of Mamet’s chair.

Leoben grabs Fic Billy by the throat and drags him across the room, pinning him to the wall with one hand. Lew looks up at the scene, mildly boggled. Mamet's hand slips and his silverware sculpture clatters to the table. His eyes fill with tears. He takes a gun out of his pocket and strokes the barrel, humming softly. Against the wall, Fic Billy gasps for breath, one hand on Leoben’s wrist.  With the other hand, he reaches down his pants.  Leoben stops him. "No. Not like this."

Newbie runs at them, takes a flying leap, and tackles Leoben. The three of them hit the floor in a tangle of legs and arms and awesomely patterned shirts and very good hair indeed. Newbie stands up, hoists Leoben off the ground and grabs him by both shoulders, staring into his eyes.

"Look, maybe when this is all over we can go out and have a cup of coffee and you can explain to me exactly what a special destiny is, but until then, just do as I say. Capiche?” He releases one shoulder and points at Fic Billy. “This is Billy Tallent, star of Bruce McDonald’s documentary Hard Core Logo, the third in McDonald’s acclaimed road trilogy I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” Newbie looks at Fic Billy and points to Leoben. “THIS is Leoben Conoy, one of the cylons in Battlestar Galactica, the new one not the 70s version starring Mr. Lorne Greene. You are both what I would call cult icons, and you are both extremely attractive gentlemen and I think you should consider what a win-win scenario might look like at this juncture. Now….GO!” Newbie shoves Fic Billy and Leoben into the coat closet and shuts the door.

Newbie lets out a deep breath and walks over to sit down at the table across from Mike.  “Are you gonna eat that?”  Mike lights a cigarette.  “Nope. Can’t remember why I even ordered it.” Newbie pulls the plate across the table. “Thanks, man.” Mike takes a long look at Newbie. “Have you ever done anything in your life that you haven’t completely thought through?” Newbie stops chewing, his eyes wide.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 16th, 2008 04:14 pm (UTC)
::Opens mouth, closes, opens:: Nah, I'm not going to comment.
Oct. 16th, 2008 04:19 pm (UTC)
Actually, do you mind if I link to my comm? miss_ckr?
Oct. 16th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
Newbie is their leader! That alone makes this story worth the price of admission.

Oh, and "Mr. Lorne Greene" makes it art.

Am I the only one finds that Lorne Greene reminds me of Johnny Cash? And I love Johnny Cash, so that is meant as a compliment.
Oct. 16th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)
In certain circumstances, Newbie is a take-charge kinda guy. Plus, anytime I can make him fly real fast into frame...*g*

But ok, here's my little thing...remember when we started this conversation, in the CKR Dinner entry? I imagined a bunch of characters at the dinner, and then Zero comes and sneers and leaves immediately, but Newbie follows him. It struck me that Newbie would sniff him out as a TV character right away. That's what he knows --- that's sort of his special power.

So my premise was that Newbie, alone, has the meta. Newbie is the only one who knows that they're all characters and exactly who they are and their whole filmography and shit.

I might have thought about this a little too hard, considering how silly it is.

Am I the only one finds that Lorne Greene reminds me of Johnny Cash?

No, I can see it. Craggy face, deep voice, awesome 70s hair and manly sideburns...
Oct. 16th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Leoben senses his distress. He walks over to Fic Billy and leans in close to his ear. "All these blowjobs have happened before, and all of them will happen again." Fic Billy whips his head up and smiles, baring his teeth at Leoben. “Yeah? Fuck you and the swirly vortex you rode in on.”

I'm so gonna use that line someday.

And I love, love, frickin' LOVE, the last line.

You write good fic, my dear. Just accept it.
Oct. 16th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
No, I'm not an actual fic writer. Some of the stuff people put out there is SO good! I don't know whether I could ever do that.

Plus, I absolutely adore low expectations. *g* I'll keep my amateur status.

In any case, you are very sweet and generous. Thank you, dear.

But it is fun to see it in my head, you know? For example, the two Fic characters sorta fighting over Duck, each doing battle in his own way. It was fun to distinguish them from their alter egos, Ray and Billy. Fic Ray is at least a little bit open to something with Duck (whereas Ray probably wouldn't be). Especially when Fic Billy challenges him.

Fic Billy, of course, doesn't go at it directly, he gives Duck that look. That one. *points to your icon* He's stealthy and beautiful and overly polite, which on him seems decadent somehow. But because he's Fic Billy, sex reminds him of Joe, which makes him sad, then mad and avoidy.

And I've read a bunch of stories where either Ray or Fraser has been injured somehow, and they STILL HAVE SEX. Which I buy, when I'm reading it, but also makes me giggle a little. So I like the idea of Fic Ray giving Duck advice on that.

I think this kind of thing only works because CKR is a genius. All these guys are completely distinct from each other. Can't you see them each, individually, in your head? Don't they look and sound and act differently from each other? Now imagine a room full of...I don't know, Tom Cruise characters. See what I mean? It's 8 of the same damn guy. Talk about your Cylons...
Oct. 16th, 2008 08:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, crap, Tom Cruise IS a Cylon! It explains everything.
Jul. 4th, 2009 10:21 pm (UTC)
Okay, I just discovered this and some of your picspam today, and I must say I am profoundly grateful to you, much as I am grateful to the great country of Canada for giving the world CKR.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )